Dear Mr. Falsehood,

Thank you for your order #8274.
Our records indicate that on 5/22/18 you placed the following order with us:

16 mouthfuls of southern silver
7 restructured mortgages
4 armbags of snowhats
3 gargles of farmer’s balm
5 longjohns of chest pain
8 yankee dodges
11 waistbelts of allspice
4 pockets of driver’s alcohol
3 counts of racketeering
1 decrease in semen
12 drunken salutes
20 troy ounces of squatter’s rights

Unfortunately the following items are out of stock:
1 Westminster sequence- May we substitute 2 Whittingtons?
30 bogus shirt sizes- May we substitute 17 poorly darned socks?
2 competent welders- May we substitute 1 retired blacksmith and 1 apprentice glass blower?
3 Haitian combos- Sorry, no substitute available.

Your total with shipping:

Based on your order history may we suggest:
indoor gardening slacks- straight from China!
surplus tax brackets- now half price.
children’s monsoon pants- Croatian surplus.
South African freckle makers- keep up with your neighbors!

Thank you again for your continued patronage.
If you have any questions, feel free to contact me directly.

Amelio Rodrigo, ext. 210