To Whomth It May Concern:
In compliance here, there and wherewithall, your current assessment of losses due to the break-in at Absconsia which occurred sometime in December 2018 is as follows:
Several artworks appear to be absent: Giardia’s “La Pudenda” and the Luigi from the dining room, as well as the entire Flumply collection from the master bath. Two Mhorax (sic) sculptures are also missing: “Moosecock” and “Man With No Arms (and chainsaw).”
Absent from the master suite: the original Stepson from the cowboy hat shrine, the McCasso and Veneer from the moccasin closet, and the Bollock was unkindly dripped upon with what appears to be molten lead.* The Man Gay over your desk is unaccounted for; ditto the Darwish lamp and the Rodan. The twenty foot portrait of yourself that graced the ceiling above your bed has been given bug eyes, buck teeth and a Hister mustache, but is otherwise intact.
No longer present in the basement: according to your most recent architectural renderings (as received by this office as of this writing) you had a swimming pool on the north side, whose walls were from the Pristine Chapel itself, and separated from the salt poolwater by four layers of saran wrap. Not only has the pool been completely drained and the priceless frescoe walls vandalized, we are at a loss to explain where the water went, all 660 thousand gallons of it. The three Fellatio’s are gone, as well as the German Miller dining set and the twice-life sized elephant made from discarded cigarette butts (artist unknown) that graced the entrance to the media room.
From the garage: the 1967 Fireturd and the 1983 Blotus Esprit are gone, as is the 1958 Hardly Davison Fatbitch (both cycle and sidecar). Also your 1972 Schwing bicycle is missing but for some reason the thieves left the banana seat.
As to the kitchen contents, your pieces of cake from both Pope Juan the First’s and the Donner party’s weddings are missing, probably eaten, while the diamond encrusted ice tongs you received for your tenth birthday were used to jimmy the rare liqueurs hutch, where the 1934 chamblis and one of the 1898 rosaceas were found smashed.
Your musical instruments now unseen: the handcarved-poplar baby grand piano (autographed by Mao Tse Tung for reasons unknown to this firm), your brass violin, five of your vintage Partial amplifiers, all 467 of your 8″ Rwandan splash cymbals, and the entirety of your Ploog synthesizer array.
Also, Barfy and Shitstain were thought to have been catnapped, but they both turned up in the dumbwaiter a tad hungry but unharmed.
Joe & Bill, Property Liturgists
* there is a somewhat popular theory that this “lead” is actually the melted-down “Moosecock” but until further tests can be performed, this is just speculation.