Are you ready for Balmzo?

Balmzo is good for what ails ya.
If you hurt, if you don’t hurt, if you’re happy, if you’re sad, if you’re afraid or if you’re mad, Balmzo is whatever you need, even if you don’t need anything.
Balmzo is the rich uncle who buys you tickets to Paradise, the friend who drives you to the airport, the stewardess who tucks you in, and the pilot who gets you there, as well as the limo driver who takes you to your hotel, the valet who carries your bag and the stewardess again when she tucks you in a second time.
It’ll fix your teeth, cure your dandruff, balance your checkbook, and make you breakfast. It’s like Christmas, ice cream, pizza and French kissing all rolled onto one soft, hot, chocolate covered pretzel.
Balmzo is a paid day off before a three day weekend, front row seats, new sneakers and air conditioning.
In case you missed it, this stuff is right side up.
Balmzo contains Ivoran, so check with your doctor before inserting it anally. Tell your neighbor right away if your Asianness increases or if your bowels recant. Side effects may include unwanted vomiting, diminished voting privileges, inability to recognize language and bleeding from the face. Avoid mirrors and windows for the first few minutes of using Balmzo. May cause smoker’s ear, lycanthropy, chipped beef, and neck failure. Some users reported extra leakage, increased pithiness, inability to tan, and lard ass. Don’t drive and lift weights at the same time unless absolutely necessary when using Balmzo. Don’t stop taking Balmzo until we tell you to. Which we won’t.
It’s time to get your knack back, Zack, so jack up your mac for a sack of our “crack”: Balmzo.