Dear Doctor Bill,
It brings me no sexual pleasure to inform you that your villa on the French Riviera (“Absconsia”) was broken recently into. Some of your prized brain scans were found doodled upon and carelessly smudged while your entire collection of old, softly-played-jazz records (which I recall you were fond of listening to at eye-piercing volumes) was cruelly cracked and scratched.
Your bound treatises on unicellular philosophy and outdoor rug farming contained needlessly torn and dog-eared pages, some even stained from liquids quite suspect.
In addition, your precious egg whites were made yolky-yellow thereby rendering them most unsaladable; also your salads were turned spoilous.
By subtraction, theorists can calculate the number of absent things if given access to the thingular total before said break in, and the amount afterthus.
Through multiplication we have determined that the total damage (including loss of property, air purification and delousing) will total in the trillions. Your total due will as always be one one-thousandth and four or five seven-fourths (whichever you can afford) of the total inbreaking costs. Full itemized bill to follow.
We will at once in earnest begin the process of attempting to recover your pilfers but can obviously offer no guarantees that we will enjoy this task. As to those items which can be replaced please refer to your yeoman purser’s playbook.
Your trusted houseman,
Morti S. Rigor
Sartory and Dental Hygenesis