Hello, I’m Tony Chang.
As you can(‘t) see, I have wonderfully lustrous black hair. It looks so good I can’t stop smiling!
So before I do that, let me tell you how I started losing my precious Godgiven ebony locks.
As a professional fish monger for sixteen years, I come in contact with toxic fish oils and marine secretions every day. Combined with my wife’s job as a solar alchemist, my body and hair cells are literally fried by mildly radioactive nitrates and epidermical oxidants.
I tried scalp injections, skin pore replacements, mithridite, theriac, and the latest (and most expensive) follicle fertilizers from Zimbabwe. My wife even consented to allowing paid sex workers from Calcutta to masturbate on my rapidly balding domehead, to no avail.
For months I drank elixirs of castoreum, Hyraceum, and Puff Adder ejaculate. I wore cranium caps pregnant with exotic badger exudates. I slept upside down with my pate submerged in the chilled urines of newborn Chinese musk ox.
Though these remedies greatly enhanced my self esteem, bodyscent, and love life(!) they did nothing to stop the horrific expansion of my fore and sideheads. Time was running out for my days of looking like an attractive, vibrant male of indeterminate age and largely Asian descent.
Then I found Grecenol, the World’s best kept secret in hair salvation.
Developed exclusively for the U.S. and its finest Dominican subsidiaries and manufactured by chemically neutered homeless children in cutting edge laboratories right here in Tulsa, Grecenol uses only the choicest of ingredients, none of which I’m contractually allowed to name, to form a warm brain-rubbing feeling as your hairs start to procreate and give you back your rightful youthly beauty. The two step process, itself a beloved ritual, a sort of hair coaxing foreplay, couldn’t be easier: simply squeeze and rub.
The thick paste forms itself to your cabeza, ensuring an airtight seal. Inside that scalpy wrap a wondrous and majestic thing is occurring: your Godlike efforts are resulting in the creation of life in the form of new, growing hair!
That’s right: your new hair will require barbering. Welcome back regular trips to the snips! Average users in moderately good health reported bi annual haircuts for the first few weeks of treatments. Mild allergic reactions to plastic combteeth were reported, as well as urethral aches and duodenal pains of the liver, back and stomach. Don’t use Grecenol if you or your wife are pregnant, might become pregnant, or ever want to become pregnant, as serious embryonal side effects such as extra legs or reduced brain presence may result. May cause chafing, rickets, out-of-breath related symptoms and night wets. Don’t use Grecenol if you’re nursing, growing flowers or tending to the sick. Children who wear braces shouldn’t handle Grecenol due to the risk of a rare tooth defect-causing reaction which may result in unorthodox worldviews in boys and lack of chutzpah in girls.
Check with your doctor to see if your heart is strong enough to handle all the female attention you’re going to be getting once your “man” comes back!
Grecenol is the greatest achievement in the field of hairy cellular erections, and it also makes a competent kitchen cleanser.* In fact the only thing it can’t do is wipe this smile off my face!
*(when properly prepared; will require baking. see website for details)