Dear Crypus, Inc:
I wasted my hardly earned money on one of your JetMan 3000s and I am seeking my refund.
This so-called “skinblaster” does nothing of the sort. It did neither, as advertised, “painlessly” nor “bloodlessly remove ingrown toenails.” Quite the opposite, in fact.
Nor did it “gently massage and then extract both black and whiteheads” from my armpit. It did not cure my fireplace throat, and did naught for my wrestler’s chin.
It in fact did only one thing: not work!
No amount of black market electrical stimulus could bring this sham “product” to life. It is a worthless hunk of imitation aluminum and papier mache; papier painted with the faces of Elvis I might add.
Although the poorly edited manual states the “remoth”(sic) control requires no batteries, that is fallacy: it requires no less than five D-cell batteries, which run out of charge after only four minutes, hardly enough time to exfoliate one’s soles. And the included power “supplye”(sic) is of such shabby design it becomes scaldingly hot. It is also dangerously unshielded, a fact my poor Mr. Muffins could attest to when the unsuspecting feline gave it a playful nibble! Enclosed you will find the veterinary and taxidermy bills.
I must also mention the exorbitant shipping and handling fees, penalties, tax levies and surcharges! Your base company’s mailing rates shame the word exorbitant itself! Eighty-eight dollars U.S. is grotesque in any language. Where’s your sense of decency, sirs?
Speaking of the shipping of this Jet-lemon, the delivery “gentleman” was certainly the surliest brute I have ever encountered on this or any continent. Indeed, even Asia’s most bloodthirsty barbarians possess more manners than the ill-tempered louts in your employ.
As a proud owner of your outstanding Backmaster Marine, I must say the quality of your products has declined most precipitously.
Consider me one dissatisfied customer. No longer will I await the arrival of your printed catalogs. No longer will I organize and lead prayer groups praising your company’s virtues.
From now on I will be buying my cucumber seeds elsewhere.
Prefrick Konjoin, IIII