Do you like the way your legs smell?
What about your doorknobs?
If your nostricular inhalations aren’t as fragrant as you’d like them to be, or if you can’t beat up a dentist you truly respect, Zurpikal may be for you.
Between today’s endless birthing and bathing routines and our hectic hippotherapy schedules, it can be hard to find a little sturm und drang. Zurpikal can help.
You can’t afford to be unprepared for what this big, kooky world may throw at you. Don’t let the bastards win. Try Zurpikal.

A proven cure for traumatic slumber, as verified by two doctors.*
An assumed analgesic with the power to cease your anal guesswork.
A supposed remedy for bad vibes, most thorny issues and some bad hair days.
A hopefully effective treatment for both “uncle’s balls” as well as the dreaded “granny’s pee.”


(may contain nuts. may cause kidney blindness, neurotic diarrhea, trouble sitting or standing or thinking about sitting or standing, dietary uncertainty and or general bodaciousness. may cause fartwarts. users reported difficulty sneezing, increased impartiality, a heightened sense of entitlement and pain or swelling of the ankles, wrists, knuckles, knees, elbows, necks, eyes, teeths and backs. in rare instances users reported especially ticklish chins, a deeper appreciation of Picasso’s earlier oils and mild defecation through the ears. tell your doctor if you start bleeding from the eyes, or if your urine turns black, as these could be signs of serious marital problems. some users reported stupid and ultimately pointless dreams that seemed to last a very long time about things like human cat museums or driving a car with a flat tire in the rain at night. don’t take Zurpikal if your eloquence is in question or if you have any unconfessed fetishes, wear sunglasses or eat. stop taking Zurpikal if you experience a heart attack or stroke, and get to a hospital as quickly as possible. drive yourself if necessary. any car will do. call your mother if you start dying or if the spiders stop talking to you.)


* “As for Zurpikal…everything…is…proven.” Drs. Vildavich Zaguchka and C.W.F. Bharfster, WALL ST. TECH, April, 2025