Master Horlscombe,

Your latest communication has left me something short of bewildered. Never have I witnessed such a boundless assemblage of fibhoods and outright lies. Barely able to contain myself was I upon reading this factual travesty. So many untruths did you gather and commit to paper that I scarcely know where to begin.

However, in the interest of saving time, I will address the most egregious points:
1) I am not now, nor have I ever been, a resident of the country of Borneo.
2) I do not possess a prosthetic thesis, nor any other limb.
3) My hobbies, while numerous, do not include skullduggery.
4) There is most assuredly not a wax replica of myself in Madame Truffaut’s parlor.
5) “Steffan” is not my middle name. (It is, as you well know, Scherzo)
6) My testes, though certainly oversized with respect to my height and weight, do not number in the dozens.

Your claim that I am an egocentric eccentric with concentric ecclesiae is most fascinating. Please continue this line of thought for my perusal.

I make no speculations as to what may have prompted you to send to me your bizarre, accusatory rant, but I will concede the possibility that your high pressure vocation as gastrophysicist to the stars has rendered you sensitive to the silky blonde hairs of madness. It is for this reason that I harbor no ill will toward you or your kind.

Hopeful that any future correspondence will be of a less debilitating nature,

Garbler S. Poopnfart